When I think about “selfie” photos I often wonder how many cavemen set their own hair-covered bodies on fire shortly after fire was discovered. One minute you’re leaning down to check your clump of goat meat and the next minute…poof!! Fire and cell phone cameras are basically the same thing from two different eras– a new technology which spreads rapidly and then gets used by people to torch themselves.
Let’s look at a few examples, shall we?
The Help-The-Police Selfie:
A young man was recently fleeing Pennsylvania after assaulting someone. He hopped on a Greyhound bus and his getaway was looking good. But then he posted an image of himself on Facebook with the message “It’s time to leave PA”. Police officers determined that he was on a bus because the guy next to him was drinking a forty-ouncer out of a paper bag (okay, it wasn’t that, it was the inch of grime on the seats that gave it away). Go ahead and laugh, but at least he got farther than the selfie-aficionado pictured above.
The Hindenberg Selfie:
Federal aviation officials studying the recent crash of a private, single-engine aircraft in Colorado determined that the pilot and his passenger were taking selfies shortly before the crash. In a nod to the cave-fire mishaps of yesteryear, it turned out that the pilot’s last name was Singh. The Hindenberg is a close relative to the Just One More Step Selfie, in which someone backs off a cliff while attempting to take the perfect outdoor adventure photo.
The Circus Animal Selfie
Also know as the Tiger Selfie, the Circus Animal Selfie involves posing with big-ass animals that are supposedly tame but in reality are tired of living in captivity and performing for families that got priced out of championship wrestling events. Popular among young men and intended to show courage, they instead reveal a decided lack of judgment.
The I Didn’t Really Want That Job Selfie
This is probably the most popular type of selfie. Which is good, because no one gets hurt. In Alaska recently, a guy being considered for the board that oversees judicial ethics was dropped after selfies surfaced showing him in a thin Speedo with women in Las Vegas. Another picture showed his hands on a woman’s breasts. But it wasn’t the breast-grabbing that did him in. It was the Speedo.
You know why the Kindle Fire offers two cameras and unlimited cloud storage for photos, right? It’s the perfect device for torching yourself, just like the cavemen did.