My name is Harmony and I am a cat. Now that we have established that, I’ll get to the point.
There is a two-legged, mostly hairless creature who lives in my house. I call her Big Human. It has come to my attention that Big Human has often written about me, including here. It’s only fair to give me equal time.
Because I do not have fingers or opposable thumbs, I have persuaded Big Human to type this into the Big Flat Thing That Does Funny Stuff. I did this by staring at her, meowing forcefully and threatening to bite her ankles. It works every time.
Here are my Ten Commandments for Humans.
1. Thou shalt acknowledge The Cat as master and obey The Cat in all things. If more than one cat shares the domicile, thou shalt obey the Top Cat first, then all the others.
2. Thou shalt acknowledge that The Cat is master of the house and owner of all things therein, including porcelain figurines, Christmas nativity statues, hairpins, rubber bands, pens, pencils, Q-tips, jewelry and anything else that is in or about the house, and that The Cat is free to do anything to these items, up to and including hiding them under the furniture and knocking them off the shelves.
3. Thou shalt never do anything to annoy thy master The Cat, including poking him in the buttocks or blowing on his ears when he is sleeping in order to make him twitch.
4. Thou shalt not ignore thy master’s head butts, nose nudges and leg rubs when it is time to feed her, lest thou suffer a good swatting.
5. Honor thy master at all times, lest she overturn trash cans or do some other mischief to gain thy attention.
6. Thou shalt permit thy master to kill bugs, mice, birds and other small prey, thou must not become wrathful when thy master presents thee with dead or half-dead kill, and thou must acknowledge the fine hunting lesson that thy master has just given thee.
7. Thou shalt present thy master with choice food of a savory character, served at the right times, with no exceptions.
8. Thou shalt provide thy master with attractive scratching posts or pads, or allow thy master to sharpen his claws on the recliner, the sofa or the table legs.
9. Thou shalt spay or neuter thy master lest thou be forced to suffer thy master to take part in loud, yowling orgies by the back fence, along with the neighborhood alley cats.
10. Thou shalt not force thy master to abandon any chair or bed, or any spot where he is taking comfort, lest thy master turn his back on thee and give thee a cold shoulder.
If all humans who live with cats obey the above commandments, you will make us very happy. A happy cat means a happy household.