SLEEPING APES AND WASHING DISHES: WHAT I LEARNED FROM MAGAZINES HIS WEEK | HumorOutcasts

SLEEPING APES AND WASHING DISHES: WHAT I LEARNED FROM MAGAZINES HIS WEEK

March 7, 2016
By

Reading magazines this week, I learned that:

Every 34 seconds, someone in the U.S. has a heart attack.
(AARP Magazine 3/16)

cardiac-156059_960_720

Mike Love is considered one of the biggest assholes in the history of rock & roll.
(Rolling Stone, 2/26/16)

mike love

At least half a dozen people have tried to kill Michael Moore.
(Rolling Stone, 2/26/16)

Kirk Douglas and his pals have a betting game in which they try to guess the average age of death in the Sunday New York Times obituary column each week.
(AARP Magazine 3/16)

Apes never sleep in the same place two nights in a row.
(Real Simple, 1/16)

Last December, Lady Gaga’s record label gave her a horse.
(Rolling Stone, 2/25/16)

Phil Collins used to own Davie Crockett’s musket.
(Entertainment Weekly, 2/26/16)

Sumner Redstone, 92, attributes his longevity, in part, to eating blueberries every day.
(The New Yorker, 2/22/16)

Women cry two to five times a month. Men cry once every two months.
(Time, 3/7/16)

 

The most popular time for crying is from 7:00 to 10:00 in the evening.
(Time, 3/7/16)

A lock of John Lennon’s hair is worth $35,000.
(Time, 3/7/16)

By: Jerry

Women who keep processed cereal on their countertops weigh 21 pounds more than women who keep it stored out of sight.
(Prevention, 1/16)

 

The fear of being without your phone is called Nomophobia.
(Prevention, 1/16)

Washing dishes can reduce your level of stress and anger by 27% if you do it mindfully, focusing on the scent of the soap, the warmth of the water and how the dishes feel.
(Prevention, 1/16)

Married people survive heart attacks more often than single people.
(Time, 3/7/16)

A 33-year old British man recently changed his name to Bacon Double Cheeseburger.
(Time, 3/7/16)


Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR http://ow.ly/LpFgE.)

Roz Warren

Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from The New York Times to The Funny Times, is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider's Tales of Library Life, both of which you should buy immediately.

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8 Responses to SLEEPING APES AND WASHING DISHES: WHAT I LEARNED FROM MAGAZINES HIS WEEK

  1. March 8, 2016 at 8:35 pm

    Apes never sleep in the same place two nights in a row? Wow, apes is MY man!

  2. March 8, 2016 at 9:07 am

    I keep my cereal on the refrigerator. Still not helping! And Mike Love flirted with me during an outdoor concert in the 90s. So glad I didn’t flirt back, so thank you for that! 😉

  3. March 8, 2016 at 6:13 am

    I really dislike Michael Moore, but I never considered killing him. After all, I heard he was having a heart attack every 34 seconds, anyway. But if I was going to kill him, I’d get in touch with Phil Collins.

  4. Kathy Minicozzi
    March 7, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    Phil Collins owned Old Betsy?

  5. Bill Spencer
    March 7, 2016 at 11:22 am

    HEL-LO, Bacon Double Cheeseburger! I’m glad to meetcha!

    • March 7, 2016 at 8:42 pm

      Dang, Bill. You beat me to it while I was trying to be a productive member of society.

      • March 9, 2016 at 8:48 am

        Clowning around on Humor Outcasts is WAY more important than being a productive member of society. Get your priorities sorted out, Paul De Lancey.



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