Donald Trump Head Case

Some have complained that our current president, Donald Trump, appears to fail to perform the most basic functions of a president, doing nothing to safeguard the people even at times of natural disaster, mass shootings or foreign meddling in our elections. But there is a reason the president has seemed to be missing in action when leadership was needed. He has thrown himself into an important new project: expanding Mount Rushmore to add a likeness of himself to the four presidential busts carved into the mountain. This project has been characterized by some senior advisors as almost as bold and perversely ambitious–and as likely to achieve just as much at the end of the day–as building a wall seventeen hundred miles long.

The expansion of the Mount Rushmore National Monument will be accomplished by adding tens of millions of rocks mined from the major parts of another national monument, Bear Ears, recently de-designated and opened to development by Executive Order. Officials in the Interior Department confirmed that this was probably the objective of that earlier Order since otherwise no one, including industry, saw the point of de-designating so much land. The new addition to the Mount Rushmore Monument will be several times the size of existing presidential heads. “It will be huge,” tweeted Trump . “But this will only acknowledge my rightful place as the greatest president and frankly the greatest leader of any kind in history,” added the President as millions remained without electricity or dependable sources of potable water in Puerto Rico.

“After all,” explained presidential spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders, “Lincoln could never figure out how to tweet divisive messages and had to resort to writing the Gettysburg Address in actual sentences on the back of an actual paper envelope. And as for George Washington, he supposedly cut down one single cherry tree and couldn’t tell a lie. What kind of environmental policy and communication skills are those?”

“Teddy Roosevelt may have spoken softly and carried a big stick, but mine is bigger, much bigger, believe me,” Trump was overheard telling dinner companions in a loud voice at Mar-A-Lago as in other parts of Florida grieving parents buried theirchildren. “And Jefferson may had a sordid, hushed up affair with one of his slaves, which I must admit was a pretty nice presidential touch for that time, but Sally Hennings was scarcely in the same league as Stormy Daniels and Russian hookers on videotape in hotel rooms.”

The president and his family and advisors are still working on some details of the project. Fox News proposes using Mountain Rushmore with Trump’s head as the backdrop for the president’s military parade. To appeal to Trump’s base, weaponry may not only be displayed but used to obliterate the nearby Crazy Horse Monument, lest the large and vivid image of an actual American warrior compete with that of Do Nothing Donald. Jared and Ivanka are debating where and in what size and style of font the Trump logo should appear on the mountain. Finally, since there should be an immense amount of otherwise unusable Bear Ears rubble, the president may add a slightly smaller replica of Vladimir Putin’s cranium next to his own. And after the Mount Rushmore project is completed, all the mountains in the Presidential Range of New Hampshire will be renamed after members of the Trump family and the Russian oligarchs to which that family, and now the country as a whole, are so thoroughly beholden.

Some may protest that the project is inane, wasteful and contrary to any sense of proportion, decorum or our nation’s history and traditions. But of course this just shows how fitting it would be as a commemoration of this faux presidency. What better way to remember Do Nothing Donald Trump than as a rock-filled noggin staring unseeing over America and doing nothing to protect it?