Somebody must have signed me up for something, because I’ve been getting a lot more junk e-mails lately. The disadvantage: I have to go through and make sure there aren’t any legitimate communications among the junk.
The advantage: I can make fun of them.
Sometimes it can be a little difficult to tell the difference between the real stuff and the scams. For instance, in the last batch I got a notification from Google Drive, which informed me a file had been successfully shared.
Yay! But wait … I’ve never shared Google Drive files.
|Pay no attention to the scam behind the e-mail.|
That could be a clue. And sure enough, the return e-mail address has absolutely nothing to do with Google.
Another example is the survey I got from Netflix, which wants me to fill it out and enter a drawing. Yay!
But I don’t subscribe the Netflix, and never have.
Of the 27 e-mails in the latest haul, exactly one was legitimate. And that one was from AARP, wanting to remind me I’m now old enough to get e-mails from AARP. I don’t want the reminder.
Some of the e-mails look pretty boring at first glance. They’re from Amy P., Julie L.,. Natalie, Kathleen, Stacy, Betsy, Kristina, and of course my favorite, Eleanor Gibbs. I just realized … I should keep track of the ones that could make good character names for future novels. Eleanor Gibbs, Beverly Bailey, not to mention Vanda. How many Vandas do you know?
And they’re all women. Where were all these women when I was single?
Of course, chances are they’re a 55 year old Russian male who hasn’t exercised since 1997, but hope springs eternal.
|Hi, I’m Uri … I mean, Amy. How about a chat?|
They get more interesting when you see what the “women” have typed into the subject field of their e-mails.
“No questions or stories, just make me obey.”
“I have crzy wishes.”
I wish you could spell.
“I’m agile but fraagile so be nice ;0”
Brittle bone disease is a terrible thing for gymnasts.
“It was the best night ever!”
Sadly, I wasn’t there.
“Video with me and you”
So, you were the one who photobombed me at Indiana Beach.
“Are you excited?”
Do you have chocolate?
“Should I send one more photo?”
Well, you haven’t sent the first one yet, so … (That one was from “Iowa”. The entire state apparently thinks it sent me a photo.)
“Can I be useful for you? Pleeease!”
Okay, since you’re so eager. We’ll start in the bedroom … then you can clean the kitchen.
“Are you excited?”
What, still? Now that someone else is cleaning the kitchen, yes.
“No panties video”
Sounds great, until you remember it was typed by a middle aged Russian couch potato.
“I am so disobedient at this video…”
That’s okay, I can point you to the obedience school my dog went at.
Meanwhile, I also got e-mails from Flawless, PerfectLips, ColorfulDes’lres, Hedon1stlc, and, yes, CornLover. That last one, at least, was original. Cream or whole kernel?
By the way, Eleanor Gibbs sent me an e-mail with the headline, “I love to play with fire”. This is not something firefighters generally want to hear.
Finally, the unoriginal ColorfulDes’lres also asked: “Are you excited?”
Well, I just wasted ten minutes that could have been used for writing fiction. Or looking at cute puppy videos. So no … no, I’m not. But it’s starting to remind me of the other question I’ve been hearing a lot lately: “Have you tested positive for COVID?”
I’m excited to say no.
|Honey, look at this! A Nigerian Price wants to party with us.|