Making Stupidity Go Away

Has anyone seen this commercial by Fidelity Insurance? Here it is on You Tube. In the ad, a man says, “I love you” to his wife, partner, significant other, whoever and proceeds to walk to work on a busy city street. Along the way, he sees ads or reminders of things that he is financially responsible for such as college, mortgage, etc.  Then, his cell phone rings again and because he is distracted by talking and walking, he walks right into the path of a moving bus and although the camera cuts away, we are supposed to assume “SPLAT”.  And the message of the commercial is  life is unpredictable and who will care for your family?

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I bet you think I am going to scold Fidelity for its ghoulish message?  Well, I am not. I think we need more “in your face” ads like this to get people to understand life. It seems to me that the general population loses way too much of its important brain matter on a daily basis…it just seems to ooze out and no one seems to care. 

This is becoming a dangerous trend. We lose brain matter that sends out important warnings like “Ooh, I should look both ways before I cross a busy city intersection so a bus does not squash me like a bug” or “Ooh, if I bungee jump with a company whose business headquarters’ address is a dorm room at the community college, there is a good chance that the plunge off the bridge might be my last” or “Ooh, if I marry this guy without finding out exactly what happened to his four missing ex-wives, I might not have that fairy tale romance I have always dreamed about.”

I know you are saying, “Those are such extreme circumstances. Most people do not make these horrid mistakes.”  Really?  Then why did Fidelity feel the need to show some guy about to get smushed by a bus?  Apparently, there are people out there not acting in a sensible and responsible manner.  So, I have a plan that will either make us think before we act or get rid of the people who refuse to think. Either way the world is a safer place:

Anyone who acts stupid is deported to countries who do not like us:  Illegal? Possibly. Impossible to do?  Not really.  I know the kinder mentality likes to legislate stupidity–for example, many cities want to make it illegal to walk and talk on the cell phone at the same time on a public street. I find this law to be a waste of time and resources. In fact, I don’t like any anti-stupid laws. They only aggravate the non-stupid and the stupid break them anyway forcing lawmakers to add addendums to already ridiculous laws. My argument behind stupidity deportation is this: No more nuclear weapons. If we ship the stupid off to unfriendly countries like Iran or North Korea, they will inevitably just blow themselves up leaving the non-stupid to live happy and peaceful lives. It all works out in the end.  Okay, you think it’s a bit racist to pick on Iran and North Korea? Okay, how about we deport them to the Moon or Mars? The deported will have an adventure of a lifetime, and the Earth’s IQ doubles almost immediately once again ensuring peace and prosperity for all.  

Anyone who acts stupid is not allowed access to the internet:  Stupidity and technology do not go together well.  In fact, stupidity can sometimes overtake technology as we see with anyone who comments on  Sporting News. Again, watch the Fidelity commercial. We give stupid people way too many tools that only serve to enhance their stupidity. Let them work off their stupidity and once they prove they can exist in the modern world without killing themselves or others, they get technology back.  I say give stupid people pencils (unsharpened at first), abacuses so they can add and two empty cans of soup with a string in between to form a primitive phone.  Once they master these skills without causing disruption to others, they can graduate to landline phones, calculators and a hardcopy version of the dictionary. By the time the stupid have worked themselves back up to modern technology, that technology will have changed and the stupid will still be one step behind. The result: peace and prosperity for all and no picking up squished bodies from underneath buses.

Only women will be allowed to multi-task: I think this is self-explanatory and for the men who are reading this and watching TV at the same time, I will explain.  You can’t multi-task! It is not in the gene makeup of anyone with a Y chromosome, so don’t do it. It’s dangerous and you will be hurt. Need proof: go to your nearest emergency room and see who comes in. Inevitably, there is a guy who nail gunned his toe to the floor while trying to put on safety goggles. 

Only men will set up printers, use the snow blower and change tires: I don’t think any of these activities has anything to do with stupidity, but I just threw it in because I hate all those jobs and I thought I would try and make up for the no multi-tasking comment.

And finally:

Stupid people cannot drive: Why? Look at the Fidelity video. If you can’t maneuver your way across the street as a pedestrian, you sure as hell can’t maneuver a two-ton weapon across the street as a driver.

Feel free to send your outrage to me as a comment.  There is a chance I won’t delete it.