It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2014
Me: I’m one card away from a royal flush. Dealer: Sir, this is blackjack. You’re at 40.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2014
Ever since I had daughters, I remember less about football & more about Disney movies each year. I’m 1 sing-along away from growing a vagina
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2014
My wife thinks I’m out of shape, but I can do 50 push-ups. I just need to rest for a few days between each one.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2014
Me: I cut back on my drinking b/c I was building up a tolerance. Friend: For alcohol? Me: For people. I need to keep my hatred sharp.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2014
That’s easily the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Fuck you, Missouri.
http://t.co/sJ19Vvu53S
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2014
It sounds like a nightmare trip through Missouri (usually pronounced “misery”)! I live in Kansas City, so I am familiar with Missouri roads; I haven’t experienced anything quite like you described. I hope the puppies are worth it!