Me: Ow! Why’d you hit me with your fairy wand? 3-year-old daughter: It’s a lightsaber! I’ve never gone from anger to pride so fast.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 2, 2014
3-year-old: *takes 1-year-old’s toy* 1: *puts plastic bucket on her own head* *headbutts 3* Kids basically raise themselves.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 2, 2014
Me: Pregnancy makes you food-crazy. Wife: NO IT DOESN’T! She would’ve yelled more, but she smelled a guy open a Snickers bar 4 miles away.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 2, 2014
When you eat at a restaurant, if you don’t shoot your straw wrapper like a missile, then I question your commitment to adulthood.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 2, 2014
Not to brag, but I’m really good at making people give up on me. You’d be so impressed if you hadn’t already written me off.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 2, 2014