A friend informed me that the Tea Party will sweep the next elections. Although my friend never calls an election correctly, I thought I should make arrangements for this apocalyptic event on the outside chance it occurs. As I considered my options for re-location abroad or at least to Canada, I got an idea; it might even be a great idea.
Out in Montana are the militia groups — you know those people who wear camouflage outfits everyday and carry guns and live on compounds dreaming of the day they overthrow the government. Well, if seems to me that if the Tea Party people claw their way into office, there will be no need for the militia people. The goals of the militia people and the Tea Party are pretty much the same, so what will the militia have to fight about? Nothing. Perhaps, in this situation, the militia people might want to leave the compounds and join “society” again. However, those who cannot accept life under Tea Party rule might not be too thrilled to continue the life they lived, and they might seek a change. Okay, this is my idea: A Political Time Share.
It’s the perfect solution. As the right-wing extremists pack up and head to other parts of the country to enjoy their election victories, progressives will need a place to regroup and plan their comeback, so why not trade places? The ex-militia can have the progressives’ homes and the progressives can have the compounds. Everyone can enjoy each other’s domiciles until elections deem another move is warranted.
I see no downsides to this arrangement. How nice would it be to see the once reclusive army-clad, gun-toting militia sitting back and enjoying a caramel macchiato at Starbucks or shopping for pastel-colored clothing at the local mall? Okay, pastel-colored clothing might be asking too much. The militia folk will probably still feel the need to wear their “normal” army wardrobe, and to be honest, camo will probably be the clothing of choice in the Tea Party Rule world, but they will have to adjust to not taking their AK 47s wherever they go – although with the new government, who knows– that might be allowed as well. Another adjustment: the one-time revolutionaries will have to face the fact that in “society”, women have certain rights– not as many as before the Tea Party—but, hopefully, there will be some rights so men will not be able to just grab females off the street and claim ownership to them – at least I hope not.
And what about the new compound residents? What will their adjustment be like? Well, the first change they might make to the compound would probably be to tear down the barbed wire to make room for the organic gardens filled with vegetables and special “herbs”. Then, they would try to make the ammunition-laden villages a bit more welcoming to outsiders. They might convert the underground weapons bunkers into sports bars and the ammo huts into community centers or perhaps even free medical clinics where people can just drop by for help without asking an HMO’s permission to get well.
There is a good possibility that the new compound residents will have to learn to shoot weapons. I know they hate to hear this, but living in the wilderness might prove to be more of a challenge than they originally thought. They will not be able to jump in their Priuses to make a run to the nearest Whole Foods Supermarket. Now, they will have to hunt their food, and this might be a problem if they invited PETA people into the compound with them. Problems with food catching might be avoided if the PETA people and the meat lovers go to separate places. I hear Idaho and the Dakotas might have a few empty compounds as well if the election goes to the Tea Party crowd.
Well, I am going to start making preparations for the moves. I should dig out my old real estate license, and I guess get it reinstated. I’m not sure exactly what the legal requirements are to broker Political Time Shares. Anyway, my office doors might open on November 7, 2012 unless, of course, the Tea Party movement starts fading out and loses the elections. If this happens, no one will feel the need to re-locate, and my business venture is done before it starts. Either way I am not going to panic because the real apocalypse is right after the elections, so I am sure that even if people don’t want the militia bunkers after November, they might be scurrying to find one in December, and since all the militia will probably be raptured because except for the overthrowing the government stuff, they are supposedly Christians, and that leaves a lot of empty bunker space ready to be filled. I think I am going to call Re/Max. They may have a place for an original thinker like me on their board of directors or at least out in Montana.