Can You Win a One-Way Ticket to Mars?


By: Jason
By: Jason

Some people say they are sick of this world, and they want to get away from it all.  While many of these malcontents long to leave “civilized society” and settle in rural wooded areas or survivalist camps in Idaho where they can shoot people for no reason, others anticipate an escape of a grander nature.  These ambitious Earth dwellers truly want to go “where no man has gone before”.  And fortunately for them, there is someone willing to help them out.

Mars One, a Dutch non-profit organization is hoping to send a crew to Mars by 2022.  Already 78,000 applicants have signed on to be a part of this colonization effort that if successful will prove to be the most audacious pioneering expedition since Magellan circumnavigated the globe.  So, what does this colonization mission entail?

The pioneers will have to perform a lot of construction work day in and day out. They will have to build greenhouses, shelters and life support systems that will be necessary if the colonists are to survive.  Although scientists are a big part of this effort,  Mars One is not in search of Geeks or nerds. They are looking for settlers who are committed to the project–settlers who possess a deep sense of purpose and a willingness to learn and trust others. They are also seeking individuals who will want to develop intimate relationships with other humans in a hostile environment.  Why are these attributes important?  Because if you fly to Mars with these people, you have to make friends because there is no coming back.

That’s right. There is no Christmas with your dysfunctional family nor is there any flying home for your 30th high school reunion which sort of sucks because if anyone is going to stand out in that crowd as most successful it would be the person who helped colonize Mars.

It’s not that there would be a travel problem for a return trip but rather a physiological problem.  It seems that the human body will change after a stay on the Red Planet and returning to Earth will mean certain death. So, if you book this trip, you better want to stay.

What is truly funny about the no-return policy is that it has not deterred people from applying for the Mars Colony spots.  Mars One expects more than 500,000 people to try out for a spot.  To me, this is amazing. I could do the construction work and gardening and I can even try and get along with everyone, but what about shopping and eating out and entertainment?  How much entertainment can my fellow Earth escapists provide?  Unless a theater troupe signs on or there is a way to make the internet readily available,  my guess is that karaoke will be the big thing for fun.  Quite frankly,  I need more.

Are you wondering who would be the best candidates for this space and colony mission? I have a few suggestions.

Donald Trump – I say we don’t wait for him to volunteer. We just strap him in the shuttle and send him off. He would be a great leader out in space and if you are with people who thought that a survivalist community  in Idaho was not tough enough or far away enough, they might think Trump is the star to book.

eHarmony Drop Outs – Why? Remember when they were building the Alaska Pipeline and all the single women flocked to the  Alaskan wilderness to find husbands?  That move is nothing compared to Mars. I have a feeling that both men and women will commit easily to each other once they look around and realize who is available for  a hook up.

Sharon Osbourne: Why? She just bugs me. And while we are at it, save a place for Lindsay Lohan, the Kardashians and the guy in charge of the NRA.

Does this move north to Mars (or is it west? I have no idea which is probably why I would be rejected from this project)  sound like something you might be interested in?  If so, you have until August 31, 2013 to apply. If you make it through the selection process, you will receive eight years of training. If you survive the training, a one-way ticket to Mars is yours! Happy Blast off and just so you know, I am available to babysit bank accounts.

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4 thoughts on “Can You Win a One-Way Ticket to Mars?”

  1. What’s the good of taking a trip to where nobody else has ever been if you can’t brag about it and force everyone to look at your pictures and watch your videos?

  2. I hear Mars is beautiful this time of the year. All that red dust and lack of oxygen. I’d even help pack Donald Trump’s bags!

  3. I want to go where no man has gone before but Jill Y’s sister insists on waiting until she gets married and not to me either!

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