3-year-old: Why did you stop?
Me: B/c the car in front of us stopped
3: You can drive over them
I’m not letting her drive until she’s 30.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 13, 2013
Now that Blockbuster is closed for good, I can finally come out of hiding. I’ve been on the run since 1998 for $47,000 in unpaid late fees.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 13, 2013
It’s OK to watch the people in Walmart like it’s a human zoo. Just don’t treat it like it’s a petting zoo. The fat lady with 9 kids bites.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 13, 2013
Wife: “I wish I knew what you were thinking.”
Me: “No you don’t.”
*goes back to daydreaming about tasing a kangaroo*
*gets a boner*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 13, 2013
I should be able to afford weddings for both of my daughters as long as they’ll settle for a tailgate party in the church parking lot.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 13, 2013