Me: What do you want for Christmas?
My brother: Pants. I don’t care what kind.
Me: *buys him assless chaps*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 23, 2013
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 23, 2013
Last night my dog barked until he woke up my whole family. The good news is he protected us from that Cheerio under the couch.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2013
Me: How were my kids?
My mom: I fed them 65 lbs. of chocolate. Enjoy the consequences.
I can’t tell if she loves them or just hates me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 23, 2013
“Home Alone” would’ve been a much shorter, darker movie if Kevin McCallister knew the combination to his dad’s gun safe.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2013