“Warning: This show may contain adult situations. Viewer discretion advised.”
*a man pays bills and complains about his kids*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 6, 2013
Wife: Are we stocked up for the snow storm?
Me: *checks beer fridge* Yes
W:
M:
W:
M: The kids are small. They can eat snow or something
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 6, 2013
Ted: And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
Kid: Dad, I stopped listening way back. It shouldn’t take 5 years to tell a fucking story.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 6, 2013
Me: Under your house rules, is eye gouging allowed?
Him: We’re playing Monopoly.
Me:
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me:
Him: Yes, obviously.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 6, 2013
You don’t need a massive aquarium to enjoy marine life. Dolphins breathe air. You can keep one in your yard if you hose it down occasionally
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 6, 2013
