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This first emailed letter was very businesslike. Iva used one of the Microsoft Word templates, filling in the necessary fields:
Mr. I. Doncare
Director, Online Division
Crummy Local Telephone Company
345 The Other Street
Whatsit, MN 00012
Dear Mr. Doncare:
Please discontinue your Internet service at 6789 Any Street, Whatsit, MN 00012 effective immediately. The account number for this service is 0012-345678910111213. If you have any questions, please call me at 100-200-3004.
Sincerely,
Ms. Iva Haddit
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This was Iva’s third email letter:
Mr. I. Doncare
Etc, etc.
Dear Mr. Doncare:
Please just discontinue your Internet service at 6789 Any Street, Whatsit, MN 00012 effective immediately. That isn’t hard to do.
Thank you for the offer, but a new electric blanket is not going to tempt me to renew my plan. My contract with you has expired and I am free of the chains of telecom tyranny.
I have already given this to you twice, but I’ll give it to you again: the account number is 0012-345678910111213. If you want to argue with me some more, please call me at 100-200-3004.
Sincerely,
Ms. Iva Haddit
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This is Iva’s latest missive:
Mr. I. Doncare
Etc, etc.
Dear Mr. Doncare:
You are a moron. Everyone in your office is a moron. Being a moron is probably a prerequisite for working there.
The contract I entered into with you because I believed what your sales rep said expired three months ago. No, I did not renew it. Why would I do that? If I want pain and agony, I’ll join an S&M club.
I will repeat this, in case you have trouble reading: MY CONTRACT WITH YOU EXPIRED THREE MONTHS AGO. This means I can get out of it now. Read the damned thing if you don’t believe me.
No, I don’t want two months of free phone usage. I don’t want a tee shirt or a toaster oven. I just don’t want anything to do with you anymore.
The cable company has already installed a nice new modem that works 100 times better than your slow, frustrating Internet connection that makes my screen freeze every ten minutes after I wait forever for it to come up. I am in love with the cable guy for giving me freedom from this. I want to have his children.
If you don’t terminate my service NOW and stop sending me bills, I will not be responsible for my actions or those of my attorney, my father or my Aunt Myrtle. Aunt Myrtle is six feet tall and she used to catch sharks for a living.
Sincerely,
Iva Haddit
Ah, Kathy. I posted my real correspondence with companies on my blog. Then, I sent those companies the link. Even though it rarely resolved the issues, it gave me a sense of satisfaction.
A little anti-promotion! Hehe! Truth in advertising!
I’d use the money from the cancelled service and join the S&M club. 😉
LOL!
I’d use it for a trip to Bora Bora!
I’m writing to Doncare right now. I hope they still have the electric blanket offer!
I’d rather have the two months of free phone service, preferably unlimited. I would make a ton of long distance and overseas calls, just to give the telephone company an ulcer. 😉