The Deadly Assault on American Manners | HumorOutcasts

The Deadly Assault on American Manners

November 8, 2014
By
Red Weathered Etiquette Stamp Circle and Stars

Much has been made lately about how illegal aliens are the root cause of our country’s woes. Fine debate indeed, often reaching the lofty level of thinking. But unfortunately, all this animated discourse obscures the greatest threat to America.

Poorly groomed zombies.

I mean look at them. They wear shabby clothes, never comb their hair, and always, always have unsightly blood smears around their mouths.

Everyone knows I’m no prude and am incredibly open minded, but the undead really creep me out. They putrefy all over the place and don’t even get me started on zombie marriage.

Zombies don’t even attempt to fit in. Is it so hard to bathe? I know it’s hard to own a home with a shower in it when you lose all your assets upon death. But if you have the initiative to find people and eat them–especially when your live victims are so much faster than you–then how hard is it to find a public shower, at the beach for instance?

And if you can’t shower every day, why not carry around a supply of moist towelettes? You’re just not going to get invited to any neighborhood barbeques with blood dripping off your chin. It just gives you away as someone who kills and eats humans. And that sort is never welcome at parties.

And that brings me to another point. Why the heck, do you zombies have to eat live humans all the time? It’s so rude. Why not try live pigs? It’s the other live, white meat. And how about vegetables? Why not eat vegetables? Your body’s decaying. You really need a balanced diet. Remember roughage. Poohing is likely to more difficult for you. Not trying to be rude, just saying.

And don’t even try to collect Social Security. You’re dead, okay?

– Paul R. De Lancey, Concerned Citizen

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Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Paul De Lancey

Paul De Lancey writes in multiple genres: adventure, westerns, morality, time travel, thriller, and culinary, all spiced with zaniness. He is a frequent contributor to HumorOutcasts. His novels "Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms?" "Beneficial Murders," "We’re French and You’re Not," and "The Fur West" and his cookbook Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World have won acclaim from award-winning authors. Paul is also the writer of hilarious articles and somewhat drier ones in Economics. Dr. De Lancey obtained his Doctorate in Economics from the University of Wisconsin. His thesis, “Official Reserve Management and Forecasts of Official Reserves,” disappears from bookstore shelves so quickly that most would-be purchasers can never find it in stock. Paul, known to his friends as Paul, was the proud co-host of the online literary events Bump Off Your Enemies, The Darwin Murders, and Tasteful Murders. He also co-collected, co-edited, and co-published the e-book anthologies resulting from these events. Perhaps Mr. De Lancey will someday become a literary giant without having to die for the title. The humorist is a direct descendant of the great French Emperor Napoleon. Actually, that explains a lot of things. Paul ran for President of the United States in 2012! Woo hoo! On the Bacon & Chocolate ticket. Estimates of Bacon & Chocolate’s share of the votes range from 3 to 1.5% of the total. El Candidato also lost a contentious campaign to be El Presidente of Venezuela. In late 2013, Chef Paul participated in the International Bento Competition. The great statesman is again running for president, this time under HumorOutcasts’ sponsorship. Contact Paul before he gets elected to get that ambassadorship to Tahiti you’ve always wanted. Mr. De Lancey makes his home, with his wonderful family, in Poway, California. He divides his time between being awake and asleep. His books are available at: www.lordsoffun.com and amazon.com.

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One Response to The Deadly Assault on American Manners

  1. November 9, 2014 at 1:58 am

    Zombies must have horrible cholesterol levels.



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