Fair warning: If you invite me to your kid’s birthday party, I will buy him a drum set and a puppy. Leave me out of this.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2014
Wife: Who do you think is the prettiest celebrity? Me: Katy Perry. Wife: She wears too much makeup. Me: She has a face?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2014
Me: I’m not just a hot piece of ass. Wife: No one said you were hot. Me: Wife: You are an ass, though.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2014
Me: I think I’m a calm person. Wife: You just spent 12 minutes yelling at a jar of pickles. Me: IT WOULDN’T OPEN OUT OF SPITE!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2014
Zoo guide: Who knows why tortoises are endangered? Me: Because Mario taught kids to jump on them. Guide: I guess he never had a Nintendo.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2014