I don’t recycle because if I set aside all my empty bottles and cans I’d have to admit I’m an alcoholic.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2014
I’ve been drinking coffee for so long that I no longer need caffeine to stay awake; I need it to stay alive.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2014
“That girl needs Botox. She’d be so hot if her face stopped moving.”—no guy ever
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2014
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation. Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny. Fuck.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2014
Only single guys are afraid of clowns. Men in relationships are used to people who hide their crazy behind makeup.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2014