Me: Are you a dealer? Him: Obviously. Me: I want cocaine. Him: For the last time, place a bet or leave the casino.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 14, 2014
My mom: Your brother got promoted again. Me: Yeah, well I swallowed an M&M without chewing. Mom: Me: Do you know how much time I saved?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 14, 2014
Apparently “IDGAF” doesn’t mean “I dig Gandalf and Frodo.” I just lost so much respect for teenagers.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 14, 2014
Me: *turns off fan* 4-year-old: Daddy, now there won’t be air in here! Me: It’s OK. 4-year-old: Am I going to die?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 14, 2014
In the rest of the world, it’s called “football,” but in America it’s called “Let’s see what else is on TV.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2014
Sadly, I’ve inhaled more than one M&M at a time. What’s even more sad is that it’s listed on my resume under “special skills.”