by Janet Golden and Roz Warren

trumponphoneDonald: Carly? It’s Donald. I’m sounding out possible running mates. If I asked you to run with me, would you say yes?
Carly Fiorina: Grateful for the offer, Donald, but no can do. I’ve got blood coming out of my whatever.


Donald: Governor Kasich? It’s Donald. Do you have a minute?
Kasich: Wish I had time to chat with you, Donald, but the Watchtower folks are at the door and I don‘t want to keep them waiting.


Donald: Hey Condie! Want to be my running mate?
Condoleezza Rice:  I’d rather be crushed to death by a falling piano.


Donald: Jeff? Would you be interested in serving as my Vice President?

Jeff Sessions:  I’d love to, Donald, but I’ve got an elderly cat and he hates the cat carrier. I just can’t see making him endure a long flight on Air Force One. But thanks for asking.

Donald: Little Marco? It’s me, big Donald. Want to be my VP?

Marco Rubio: Sorry, Donald, but as we proud Cuban-Americans say, “No, Gracias.”

Donald: Governor? Any chance I could get you to run as my VP?
Nikki Haley:  Sorry, but there’s someone on the other line. Gotta go. [click]


Donald: Susana? Want to join my ticket and fly Trump airlines to the White House?
Susana Martinez: Gee I’d love to, but I’m waiting for a new lint filter on my dryer and I can’t be in Washington when they come to install it.


Donald: Hey Doc — want to run with me?
Ben Carson: You do realize that I know even less about foreign policy than you do?
Donald: Who cares? Running this country ain’t brain surgery.
Ben Carson: It’s not? Okay then, I’m in! Did you know that I once almost killed a guy with a knife?
Donald: [click].


Donald: Vince? We met when you attended my rally in West Chester in April. I’m hearing great things about your work with the block party committee. Really great. As I understand it, you folks built a huge barrier out of orange tape and got the city to pay for it. I’m calling to talk to you about a job, Vince. A huge job. A terrific job. A job that isn’t for losers. What do you say, Vince? Are you with me?


This piece was written by Roz Warren and Janet Golden. Roz is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A Collection of Library Humor. Janet Golden likes writing humor when she isn’t writing history.
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  1. Hard to type when one is laughing out loud!

    Did he call Sarah Paypal? Doonesbury today 7/10 captured the great oaf perfectly, too ;^)

  2. I can’t even look at him. I’ve completely lost my sense of humor about anything related to him and am horrified that he is actually in the running for President of the United States.

  3. I love this. I want to use some of these excuses they are just great, new dryer filter, cat carrier issue and my favorite, the Watch Tower folks don’t want to keep waiting at the door!

  4. Roz, I think the only solution is for you or Janet to consider being on the ticket. At least we’d get some written hilarity. 🙂

  5. I thought our Australian politicians left a lot to be desired but your guys are taking the cake this year. I’ll be interested to see who eventually crosses the finish line and what they do with America once they win!

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