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13 May, 2026
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“We changed the Terms & Conditions of the Trump Mobile Phone from “Made in the USA” to “Made up in the USA” and “refundable deposit” to “Later, losers.” This happened due to an unforeseen arrangement of words and is Biden’s fault. Instead of Siri, you get Stephen Miller and you can only text in CAPS. It also comes with 12 free pardons and “Biden’s Fault” wallpapers and ringtones.” – Donald Trump, maybe…
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Author: Eric Hetvile

Wanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.

Hologram Michael Jackson Appears at Awards Show, Molests 3 Hologram Children

May 19, 2014May 19, 2014 Eric Hetvile

A hologram of Michael Jackson made an appearance last night at the Billboard Music Awards, long enough to moonwalk and be accused of molesting 3 hologram children. Many in the audience were amazed at how […]

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3 CommentsFiction

Sam Taken Late in NFL Draft Due to Limp-Wristed Tackling Style

May 12, 2014 Eric Hetvile

A big story of the 2014 NFL Draft was where was Missouri defensive end Michael Sam, now the first openly gay player taken in the NFL draft, would be selected. Despite a decorated college career, […]

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Fiction

Court Ruling Clears the Way For Five Detroit Suburbs to Begin Sessions With “Allah Akbar”

May 12, 2014 Eric Hetvile

The recent Supreme Court’s 5-4 ruling in Town of Greece v. Galloway, which allows Christian prayers before their council’s business is convened, has cleared the way for at least 5 small towns near Detroit, Michigan […]

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1 CommentFiction

Omniscient God Forced to Destroy 99.999999999% of His Creation

April 25, 2014 Eric Hetvile

EARTH – Heavenly God of Creation, maker of heaven and earth, knower of all there ever was and all there ever will be, was forced to destroy practically the entirety of creation after deeming them […]

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2 CommentsFictionflood, God, Noah, rainbow, Unicorn

Red-Faced Mary Forced to Get Extra Easter Place Setting Before Jesus Noticed

April 20, 2014 Eric Hetvile

Sunday night, a red-faced Mary, mother of God, was forced to sheepishly sneak back to the kitchen to gather an extra place setting for Easter shortly after her son Jesus arrived for dinner. “I’m back […]

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2 CommentsFictioneaster

Hobby Lobby Fights Back By Refusing to Hire Any More Loose Women

April 18, 2014April 21, 2014 Eric Hetvile

Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc., still attempting to prevail in its suit against the Affordable Care Act’s health insurance mandate which includes several methods of birth control it finds objectionable, has made a startling move in […]

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4 CommentsFictionabortion, contraceptives, Hobby Lobby, loose, obamacare, Supreme Court

Malaysia Airlines Offers Victims’ Families $5000 and Trip to a Fabulous Mystery Destination

March 26, 2014 Eric Hetvile

An offer from Malaysian Airlines to families of victims of flight MH370 was met with outrage Tuesday when the company offered surviving families $5000 and a free trip to a “fabulous mystery destination.” Families quickly […]

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4 CommentsFiction

“Snake Salvation” Not Picked Up for Second Season

February 17, 2014 Eric Hetvile

The National Geographic Channel has decided not to pick up “Snake Salvation” for another season. A spokesman for the channel stated that they’ve chosen to go in another creative direction and wish the show’s star, […]

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2 CommentsFictionchannel, jamie coots, NatGeo, National Geographic, snake salvation

Keith Richards’ Body Found Alive Inside His Apartment

February 4, 2014February 4, 2014 Eric Hetvile

In the wake of this weekend’s discovery of Academy Award-winning actor Philip Seymour Hoffman’s body found dead in his Manhattan apartment, most likely from a drug overdose, news came quickly of another grisly discovery – […]

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6 CommentsFictionActor, alive, apartment, apartments, Death, drugs, heroin, Keith Richards, overdose, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Rolling Stones

WWII Jews Intolerant of Nazi Beliefs That They Should Be Murdered

December 26, 2013 Eric Hetvile

OPINION – The recent “Duck Dynasty” flap has exposed the dark underbelly of our self-described “tolerant” society. As you know, Phil Robertson of the acclaimed A&E series was recently featured in GQ Magazine where he […]

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4 CommentsFictionA&E, Duck Dynasty, jews, Nazis, tolerance, WWII

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