If George Clooney wins tonight I think he should automatically become President of the United States.
I know you think you look good in skinny jeans but that’s only because you haven’t looked in a mirror. Or have honest friends.
I just dry shaved my legs to prove to myself that I haven’t missed out on pain by not having children
After I’ve eaten something I’m always surprised to see that it “serves 4.” Four what, anorexics?
Women & gay guys can’t keep secrets because they blab too much. A straight guy can because he wasn’t listening to you in the first place.
Henry Winkler has written 19 books. I just finished the Thank You notes for my Sweet 16.
It turns out that when you run out of fresh Parmesan, chopped up Cheetos really doesn’t add anything but color to a salad.
I have a friend who doesn’t do any social media and has to face her life without 100’s of strangers watching. What a nightmare.
Today I’m going to Sephora to buy the new HD makeup in my shade, “Sorry But You Still Need A Facelift.”
5 Hour Energy should be called 1 Hour and 47 Minutes of Hope and 3 Hours and 53 Minutes of Giving Up and Going to Starbucks.