Unicorn Bites 6/15/13
I’m not antisocial. I’m pro-isolation. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2013 My wife: “You messed up my hair.” Me: “You messed up my life.” Married pillow talk isn’t as sexy as it […]
Author: James Breakwell
I'm a multi-published humorist featured in "Reader's Digest." Read my articles at http://explodingunicorn.com. Check out my webcomic at http://JamesBreakwell.com.
Unicorn Bites 6/14/13
I forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom. I think that counts as camping. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 14, 2013 Yes, I know what I’m doing. I’m fucking up. — […]
Unicorn Bites 6/13/13
My 1-year-old makes high-pitched noises not meant for human ears. The last time she screeched, three falcons landed in our yard. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2013 If you ask me how […]
Unicorn Bites 6/12/13
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 12, 2013 Remember, tomorrow […]
Unicorn Bites 6/11/13
I’m pretty hot if you’re turned on by poor social skills and excellent grammar. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2013 How to have fun like a 1-year-old: 1) Get out every toy […]
Unicorn Bites 6/10/13
I judge people by their teeth. I like to know how much of a threat they’ll be if they die and come back as zombies. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 10, 2013 I […]
Unicorn Bites 6/9/13
If I named rooms by what goes on in them, my bedroom would be called a “celibacy enforcement chamber.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 9, 2013 I guess motorboating has nothing to do […]
Unicorn Bites 6/8/13
My wife and I are going to Walmart to buy dog food and toilet paper. Date night is different when you’re married. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2013 Anyone who has a […]
Unicorn Bites 6/7/13
For Father’s Day, give your dad a fake paternity test that says he's not your father. He deserves to be happy for a day. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 7, 2013 There are […]
Unicorn Bites 6/6/13
My wife said she needs sex like she needs a hole in her head. I replied that she already has a hole in her head & I’d simply like to use it. — James Breakwell, […]