Unicorn Bites 6/5/13
I wish there was a substitute teacher version of bosses. “The boss is sick, so he said to have you guys sit quietly and watch a movie.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 5, […]
Author: James Breakwell
I'm a multi-published humorist featured in "Reader's Digest." Read my articles at http://explodingunicorn.com. Check out my webcomic at http://JamesBreakwell.com.
Unicorn Bites 6/4/13
My 3-year-old said she married a boy at daycare & Santa came to the wedding. I hope she doesn’t expect me to pay for it. It sounds expensive — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June […]
Unicorn Bites 6/3/13
My wife and I disagree on whether or not I’m a pyromaniac. I told her we’ll finish this discussion when her eyebrows grow back. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2013 In front […]
Unicorn Bites 6/2/13
My wife told me to dress our daughter in the pink outfit with ruffles on it. That narrowed it down to every article of clothing she owns. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, […]
Unicorn Bites 6/1/13
If a dog kills someone, the law says his owner is a murderer. My dog just sniffs people’s butts. I think that makes me a sex offender. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, […]
Unicorn Bites 5/31/13
I want to open a bar for low-end liquor called The Bottom Shelf. Our slogan would be, “After the first few, you can’t taste it anyway.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 31, 2013 I wasn’t […]
Unicorn Bites 5/30/13
At first I was worried when my daughter played doctor with a little boy, but he didn’t have insurance so she sent him outside to die alone. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 30, 2013 My […]
Unicorn Bites 5/29/13
My 3-year-old’s toys get mixed together. Her doctor kit now has a stethoscope, a screwdriver, and a gun. I’m sure Obamacare is to blame. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 29, 2013 “These are my running […]
Unicorn Bites 5/28/13
Yesterday a Royal Caribbean cruise ship caught on fire. If only there were a wet substance nearby that could have prevented this tragedy. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 28, 2013 I tried to teach my […]
Unicorn Bites 5/27/13
The leading cause of divorce is being married. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 27, 2013 When everything goes wrong in my life, I think to myself, “At least I’m not in a boy band,” and […]