Author: James Breakwell

My 1 y.o. brushed her teeth today. She didn’t use toothpaste and she put the wrong end of the brush in her mouth. Whatever, I’m counting it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 26, 2013 My […]

I don’t get why people are mad about horse meat in fast food. If you cared what you put in your body, you wouldn’t eat at Burger King anyway — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, […]

If porn was realistic, instead of saying “Do me harder,” porn stars would say, “Hurry up and finish. I hear the kids coming up the stairs.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 24, 2013 My office […]

One of the autocomplete options for my Google search was “How many calories are in half a Tic Tac?” Somebody out there needs a hug. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2013 Apparently a three-hole […]

I made it to the office by 9 a.m. I got so involved in my work I didn’t check the clock for the first time until 9:01. Today is flying by. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) […]

Side effects include weight gain, depression, and loss of sex drive. Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2013 My 3 year old asked me what it’s […]

Sometimes I wonder why I can’t have nice things. Then I remember I had to look up how to clean gravy off my smartphone. Twice. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2013 I hate when […]

Here are my least-terrible Twitter posts from today: My mother-in-law said I undercooked the hamburgers. To her, they’re not done until they’re as black as her heart. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 19, 2013 A […]

My daughters turn 1 and 3 this weekend. It’ll be 48 solid hours of cake, glitter, and princess dresses. Do me a favor and avenge my death. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 18, 2013 I’m […]

I assume “do it like they do on the Discovery Channel” means having sex while Mike Rowe narrates it. I’ll pass. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 17, 2013 I take that “love your enemy” section […]