Unicorn Bites 5/16/13
Here are my latest semi-intelligible thoughts from Twitter: Most of my tweets are just witty comebacks I thought of six days too late. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 16, 2013 Apparently “stop acting like a […]
Author: James Breakwell
I'm a multi-published humorist featured in "Reader's Digest." Read my articles at http://explodingunicorn.com. Check out my webcomic at http://JamesBreakwell.com.
Unicorn Bites 5/15/13
Here are my least-terrible tweets from today: People who use Twitter to quote famous sayings from historical figures are idiots.—Winston Churchill — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 15, 2013 I’m actually very polite if you consider […]
Unicorn Bites 5/14/13
Here are my least-terrible tweets from today: I was going to water my garden, but instead I went to the bar with my friends because bros before hose. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 5/13/13
Here are my least-terrible tweets from today: I don’t know why my company has a suggestion box. I keep putting in ideas, but we still don’t have cotton candy & hookers in the break room. […]
Unicorn Bites 5/12/13
Here are the least-terrible of my tweets from today: I didn’t peak in high school. Or college. Or anytime thereafter. I’ve been on a downward trajectory pretty much since the moment I was born. — […]
Unicorn Bites 5/11/13
A surprising number of people on Twitter want to have sex with me. That number is zero. I thought there’d be at least one. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2013 When I call you […]
Unicorn Bites 5/10/13
If you think sticks and stones can hurt you but words can’t, you’re wrong. Those words could be “Hey guys, let’s throw sticks and stones.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 10, 2013 “The moral of […]
Unicorn Bites 5/9/13
Being a parent is a lot like being a prison guard. Your main job is to make sure the kids don’t kill each other or escape. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013 I may […]
Unicorn Bites 5/8/13
My boss said I’m as useful as a potted plant, but he’s off base. Plants make oxygen that keeps us alive. I’m way less useful than that. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2013 Romantics […]
Unicorn Bites 5/7/13
How much money does it take for girls to think an ugly guy is hot? I have $32 in my pocket and I drive a used Camry. Come at me, ladies. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) […]