Author: James Breakwell

My 3-year-old can open the screen door to go outside but not to get back in. This problem solves itself. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2013 “You stick your dick in and […]

What I said: “It’s too wet outside to play with chalk.” What my 3-year-old heard: “Cover the fridge in hot pink chalk. No one will notice.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 24, 2013 […]

My 1-year-old learned to say “hi.” She immediately used it to get me into 200 unwanted conversations with strangers. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 23, 2013 The only time it’s OK to take […]

I couldn’t figure out why my elbow hurts when I play tennis, so I did some research. According to WebMD, I’m pregnant. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2013 No, I don’t want […]

If sweatpants were honest, instead of saying “juicy” or “sexy” on the butt, they’d say “I’m too lazy to shower” or “I’ve given up on life.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2013 […]

The main reason I believe in hell is I really, really want the guy who invented unskippable previews on DVDs to go there. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2013 I told my […]

My wife said she wanted to watch food porn, but then she turned on Food Network. I sadly deleted all the cucumber videos I downloaded. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2013 I […]

I was refused service and sent home because I’m already drunk. I guess I’m too real for this Build-A-Bear Workshop. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 18, 2013 It’s illegal to burn trash, but […]

I wrote, "I don’t believe in sex before marriage. I only do butt stuff because it doesn’t count." I’m no longer welcome on Christian Mingle. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2013 “Daddy, […]

My wife: “What do you want for Father’s Day?” Me: “To sit & drink beer.” Her: “You do that every day.” I lead a rich and fulfilling life. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June […]