Author: James Breakwell

When my 1-year-old shrieks, it’s hard to know if she means, “I’m happy,” “I’m mad,” or “I’m a pterodactyl and you’re too close to my eggs.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2013 […]

My wife doesn’t want to hear about my dreams. She either doesn’t care about me or is tired of hearing about how she gets eaten by a dinosaur — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July […]

“My mom is my hero and I admire everything about her, but if you suggest I'm anything like her I'll murder you in your sleep.”—women — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2013 My […]

If you’re a smoker, you pay a lot of money for the privilege of always smelling like your house burned down. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 2, 2013 A good way to find […]

When I walk away from my car, I hit “lock” on the key fob twice. Then 1 more time to be sure. Then 9 more times because I have problem. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn […]

The Bible told me to be fruitful and multiply, so I drank some strawberry Smirnoff and did math problems. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2013 I refuse to explain myself to you. […]

Everyone with the same tribal tattoo should form a tribe to battle other tattoo groups until only one clan of douchebags remains. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2013 When my Internet is […]

Never trust your kids. They love you, but they’d also sell you out in a heartbeat for an ice cream sandwich. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 28, 2013 Sometimes I think my job […]

Today I learned the volunteers at the animal shelter won’t return your calls if you ask, “How many yorkies do I need to pull a dogsled?” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2013 […]

I’ll teach my girls about sex through wildlife documentaries, specifically the one where the female spider kills any males who get too close — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2013 At work, I […]