Unicorn Bites 7/15/13
It’s hard to follow my 3-year-old’s stories. When she says something happened “yesterday,” she could mean a day ago, a year ago, or never. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2013 I saw […]
Author: James Breakwell
I'm a multi-published humorist featured in "Reader's Digest." Read my articles at http://explodingunicorn.com. Check out my webcomic at http://JamesBreakwell.com.
Unicorn Bites 7/14/13
The only way Axe body spray will ever turn on women is if it can make a man smell like he vacuumed and washed the dishes. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 7/13/13
“Hey guys, I thought of a pointless change that will totally fuck everything up. Let’s do it.”—every manager ever — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 13, 2013 *uses correct grammar* *gets bitches* — James […]
Unicorn Bites 7/12/13
I’m sure you just said something very important, but I didn’t hear any of it because I was worried my sideburns might be uneven. Good talk. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 12, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 7/11/13
My 1-year-old gave me a terrible look of betrayal when I didn’t let her eat a rock. She thought we had an understanding. We did not. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 11, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 7/10/13
My 3 y.o. cried b/c I gave her the wrong scrunchie. Someday her autobiography will talk about how she overcame a childhood full of hardship. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 10, 2013 My […]
Unicorn Bites 7/9/13
Wife: “What do you want to do tonight? Me: *removes pants* Her: “I guess I can wash a load of pants.” Me: *plays videogames pantless* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2013 I […]
Unicorn Bites 7/8/13
Today my 1-year-old spent a full minute waving “hello” to a rock. I don’t know if this means she’ll have a hard or easy time making friends. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 8, […]
Unicorn Bites 7/7/13
My 3-year-old, whining: “Do I have to brush my teeth every day forever?” Me: “Well, no. Eventually you’ll die." I’m not good at pep talks. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2013 My […]
Unicorn Bites 7/6/13
Random woman: “That's a pretty dress, little girl. Which Disney princess are you?” My 3-year-old: “I’m a zombie.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 6, 2013 Evolution didn't do cows any favors when it […]