Author: James Breakwell

My main problem is I’m attractive in all the wrong places. I don’t have a pretty face, but I do have the world’s sexiest elbows. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 25, 2013 Putting […]

Every time an American gets excited about the royal baby, a Revolutionary War hero comes back as a zombie. Don’t piss off undead Washington. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 24, 2013   If […]

Bacon costs $3.99 per pound, so apparently you can put a price on happiness. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2013 No thanks, magazine with marriage advice from celebrities. I’d like my marriage […]

I’m pretty athletic if hating people counts as a sport. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 22, 2013 My wife said she doesn’t believe in casual sex, so I showed up for bed in […]

If “Pretty Woman” was remotely realistic, Julia Roberts would have smothered that guy with a pillow and used his money to buy crystal meth. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2013 “Hey, someone […]

I discovered an amazing device that replaces months of diet and exercise. It’s called a shirt. Wear it, and no one will know the difference. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 20, 2013 My […]

I don’t get it. When I buy toilet paper by the crate, I’m a “smart shopper,” but when I buy vodka by the gallon, I “have a problem.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July […]

I noticed my 3-year-old was asleep, so I texted my wife. She freaked out because I forgot the last space in “We have a kid napping” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 18, 2013 […]

I don’t mind when people wear Confederate flag apparel in public. It’s kind of nice to know at a glance who didn’t pass eighth grade. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2013 When […]

When my boss came to my desk, I covered my eyes with my hands. My toddler lied to me. I didn’t turn even a little invisible. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2013 […]