Have you ever had to practically petrify your tongue to keep from giving a witty, biting, snarky answer when someone asks a dumb question? Well, here is a small depository of retorts. Be careful how you use them, if you don’t want to wind up in Intensive Care or cut out of someone’s will.
IN A RESTAURANT
Q: Are you going to eat that?
A: No. I’m going to put it in my nose and blow it out my right ear. Why?
Q: Are you going to eat that?
A: I don’t think so. This contagious terminal disease has taken away my appetite.
Q: Are we supposed to leave a tip?
A: No. The waiter is an indentured slave. They beat him if we give him money.
READING A BOOK
Q: Are you really reading that?
A: Ssh! The author is behind that bush with an M13 Assault Rifle!
Q: Are you really reading that?
A: You bet! (Insert name of author) promised me a night of wild sex and a diamond pendant after I finish it.
Those are especially effective if the author is someone that everyone knows has been dead for a long time, like Jane Austen or Mark Twain.
Q: How does that story end?
A: You’ve been wondering, too?
Q: Is that a Kindle?
A: No. It’s gas stove burner cover in disguise. I carry it around to make it feel good about itself.
SOCIAL SITUATIONS
Q: Do I look like that kind of woman to you?
A: An aging $10 streetwalker? Yes.
Q: Does this dress make me look fat?
A: No, you do a good job of that already without it.
Well, that was a start.
Sweet, another one is when you’re on a train and there’s nobody sitting beside you and some Metaphysics student with a ‘die bastard die’ t-shirt decides to ask the inevitable “Is there anybody sitting here?” to which you can’t help but reply “Yes, the father of space and time”.
Hah! That’s a good one!