Coworker: Today was perfect. Me: Was everyone in the office but me eaten by lions? Coworker: No. Me: Then there was room for improvement.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2014
An Iraqi terrorist in charge of a bomb school accidentally triggered a bomb and killed all of his students. Karma is loud and awesome.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2014
Daycare lady: I assume your wife is out of town Me: Why? Her: You dressed your kids in scuba flippers. I couldn’t find the shoe bin.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2014
Pandas can’t defend themselves, don’t blend in, seldom have babies & often reject their young. Why did we save them? They want to be extinct
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2014
It gets overlooked in the Bible, but after God knocked up Mary, he didn’t make a single child support payment.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2014
Congratulations on your February Reader’s Digest article! I can always count on you for a laugh. Thanks!
Thanks, I appreciate it. Counting you, that makes one person who’s seen my picture in there. I’m moving up in the world.