My Impossible Christmas List

By: Kevin Dooley

Each year, I make out my Christmas list and I say, “Don’t spend a lot on me. Just get me something special.”  Well, in case anyone wondered what would be special to me, here is my list. Granted, not everything on this list is cheap; in fact, nothing on this list is cheap, but I promise you that MY world will be a better place if I got just one item, and isn’t that what Christmas is all about?  Oh, I’m sorry for a minute I thought I was a Kardashian.  Anyway, here we go…

1. The first parking spot at the mall that doesn’t require me to pretend I have a  limp when I get out of the car.

2. A  guarantee to never gain a pound on the Christmas cookies that are sent my way from all the bakers out there who have perused Pinterest for the last 365 days in search of the most creative confectionery concoctions.

3.  All the stock to Chia Pets so I can dissolve that company and finally rid the world of those ridiculous plant gifts once and for all especially now that they made the Duck Dynasty collection.

4.  A magic credit card that lets me spend whatever and whenever I want and then watch as the charges miraculously disappear for all time.

5.  Chairman of the Board status at Kay Jewelers so I never have to watch another freaking commercial about the Jane Seymour open heart collection.

And finally:

6.  My own set of flying reindeer. Why should Santa hog all the  magic deer?  He already has elves. Isnt’ that enough? It’s time to share the wealth Old Man.  Every road in the world is under construction. A few magic reindeer will provide an escape from the hell known as Christmas traveling along the Jersey Turnpike.



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11 thoughts on “My Impossible Christmas List”

  1. No. 2 appeals to me.

    No. 5 would appeal to me, except Chairman of the Board of a jewelry company would require me to do some work occasionally. I would settle for being the majority stockholder.

  2. I actually have a magic credit card Don Don’s. It magically disappears from my wallet every time Jill Y passes a shoe shop! Who am I kidding, she never passes a shoe shop!

  3. Park up front next to the store. Open the hood like the car has broken down. And then go in and get motor oil (plus everything on your list). Check #1 off that list.

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