Wife: “You’re basically just a penis with a drinking problem.”
Me: *hugs her*
We finally understand each other.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 12, 2013
My wife texted that she’s having a bad day & will tell me all about it after work. Now I just need to die of alcohol poisoning before 5 p.m.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 12, 2013
Wife: "Did you seriously put dirty dishes in the washing machine?"
Me: "Yeah. It’s a machine. For washing."
It’s like talking to a wall.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 12, 2013
Every time a fellow adult accuses me of being mean, I picture them going home and polishing their participation trophies from second grade.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 12, 2013
I didn’t get where I am today by haphazardly stumbling through life. It took careful choreography to fail this spectacularly.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 12, 2013