My 1-year-old learned to turn on the microwave. I told her to move out. There’s nothing more I can teach her.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2013
If you want kids, don’t expect the pitter-patter of little feet. You’re more likely to hear the thud of a toddler swan-diving off the couch.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2013
In marriage, there are no “he said, she said” arguments. They’re all “she said, she said.” He just sits there silently and prays for death.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2013
3-year-old: “Daddy, dance with me!”
Me: *shows off dance moves*
3: “Maybe mommy should dance with me instead.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2013
If you want to know what’s wrong with the world, look in the mirror: The problem is smudgy glass. It looks awful. Buy some Windex, jackass.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2013