Dear Lord, please forgive me for lying to our four-year-old son and six-year-old daughter when I told them that the Big Foot devoured their chocolate Easter bunnies. When they asked why he ate only the tails and ears, I lied again and blamed zombies. It scared them. They’re now sleeping in our bedroom, with me and my wife, between us, for over a week, the wife is pissed at me, so no sex . . . I hate you demon chocolate, Amen.