Football Sunday Catheterization | HumorOutcasts

Football Sunday Catheterization

January 15, 2014
By

Emergency LaughterEvery beer drinking football fan knows that you don’t buy beer, you just rent it. What goes in, must come out.

Are you tired of missing game winning plays on TV because you’re standing over a toilet desperately trying to empty your bladder?  Don’t let it happen again!

Talk to your doctor about getting the Football Sunday Catheterization System.

Our Hands-free, Effortless Urination System is the epitome of laziness and Boy Howdy, is it relaxing!  Gotta Pee? Ahhhh…taken care of.

Drink beer all day, never miss a play or a funny commercial, and never get up from your chair.  Just drink, pee, watch football and hold the remote control.

Order right now and we will include detailed instructions on how to insert your very own urinary catheter.

So pick up the phone, we have a Urologist standing by to take your order.

BUT WAIT…there’s more! Order within the next ten seconds and we’ll throw in a schematic of how to bolt a refrigerator full of ice cold beer to the side of your favorite recliner chair.

You’ll also get a copy of the bestselling book: “What’s The Best Place To Hide A Key To Your Front Door So The Pizza Delivery Guy Can Get In And “Deliver” A Pizza Right To Your Chair.”

No need to bribe the Pizza Guy into emptying your pee bag into discarded beer cans anymore! No Sir. When you order the Supersized-All-Day Pee Bag with your teams official NFL logo printed right on it, you buy enough time to sober-up first.

Afraid you’ll doze off in the chair? No worries Mate. Our catheter system keeps working even when you’re unconscious!

So if you suffer from Football Full Bladder Syndrome, or Missedplayphobia, talk to your Doctor about trying the Football Sunday Catheterization System. The only hands-free, effortless urination system designed with the lazy sports enthusiast in mind.

 

  • Finding someone to put a garden hose up your wee wee?   $90.00

  • Treating your painful post-Super Bowl Sunday bladder infection:  $800.00

  • Treating secondary kidney infection and subsequent kidney failure:  $60,000

  • Kidney transplant surgery:  $375,000

  • Not missing that spectacular game winning catch:   PRICELESS!

 

Rare but serious complications of Football Sunday Catheterization include:

  • Itchy Crotch.
  • Recliner chair impingement.
  • Decreased sex drive. (Reported by less than 1% of volunteer rodent test subjects)
  • No sex drive.
  • Numb penis
  • Carpet stains.

Do not operate ANYTHING that has a motor and spins around at high speed or has the potential to rip your bladder out of your body through your penis.  Keep away from tug-of-war prone canines and unstable spouses. If you experience painful Erectile Dysfunction lasting more than 6 months, seek medical attention immediately.

 

Mike Cyra

Mike Cyra is the author of two #1 bestselling medical humor eBooks: "Emergency Laughter: It Wasn’t Funny When It Happened, But it is Now!" (2011) And "Emergency Laughter: Stories of Humor Inside Ambulances and Operating Rooms." (2015) He's also a contributing author of "My Funny Major Medical," and an award winning writer in the (completely serious), Dying Matters Coalition book: "Final Chapters: Writing About The End of Life." Mike spent 20-years working in Emergency Medicine & Surgery as a Surgical Technologist, a Medic sailing Alaska’s Bering Sea, an Emergency Medical Technician, and an Instructor of Basic Life Support and Maritime Emergency Medicine. Check out Emergency Laughter: amazon.com/author/mikecyra Mike lives in Seattle, Washington

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6 Responses to Football Sunday Catheterization

  1. January 18, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    This sounds like a Colbert report medical breakthrough. I think this id the perfect mate for the drinking helmet!

    • January 18, 2014 at 7:50 pm

      Actually, upon reflection, we should just complete the recycling process with a portable cooler to chill the urine and make it ready for re-use. A true closed system! BTW, I AM an engineer!

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    January 15, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    Thirsty Dave, my best mate and best man at my imaginary wedding, could really do with this.

    • January 16, 2014 at 4:35 pm

      You know it Bill! Everyone can use a little effortless urination!

  3. January 15, 2014 at 11:39 am

    I wish. Let’s see…If urine = money, then I wish I had urinary retention. Final answer.

  4. January 15, 2014 at 8:20 am

    A million dollar idea here Mike! I guess this is one time you want to piss away profits?



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