3-year-old: There’s a monster in my closet. Me: No, he’s in the pantry. 3: Me: He only eats kids. She’ll never open my Cheetos again.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 17, 2014
I don’t know when “adult” changed from meaning “mature and responsible” to “sexy and perverted,” but I’m glad we finally got it right.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 17, 2014
Me: I’m not smart or handsome, but at least I’m loved. Wife: By who? Me: *hugs the Xbox*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 17, 2014
Me: Here’s the plan, team. *draws X’s & O’s on the board* *watches as players hug and kiss each other* *wins the Super Bowl*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 17, 2014
Me: I’m not coming in. I’m hurt Boss: Grab a bottle of Aspirin & get to work Me: I lost an arm Boss: Open the bottle with your other hand
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 17, 2014