Things my 3-year-old said she wants to be today: 1) teacher 2) astronaut 3) Jedi 4) dinosaur Things she never wants to be: 1) quiet
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2014
My 1-year-old calls her doll “baby Jesus.” I caught her trying to put him in the microwave. I’m raising the Antichrist.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2014
Wife: You need to fix the lock. Me: I’ll get to it someday. W: Zombies could get in. M: *fixes it immediately* Fuck. She figured me out.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2014
Me: How does this beard make me look? Wife: Homeless. Awesome. Strangers are going to give me so much spare change.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2014
Things that arouse my pregnant wife: 1) pancakes. Sex just got weird. And delicious.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2014