Rice Dogs Finish Last | HumorOutcasts

Rice Dogs Finish Last

August 18, 2016
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We’ve been having problems with Bae getting into stuff on the kitchen counters when we’re gone. (Where does an 85 pound dog go? Anywhere above about five feet.) That’s why, for instance, the bread is now in an upper cupboard, and the cereal is on top of the cupboard. Our mutt loves wheat products, but he’s allergic to wheat. Kind of like how I love chocolate, but I’m allergic to cholesterol.

Anything on the counter has to be kept in sealed containers unless, of course, it’s something dogs would never eat, like rice. Then, a few days ago, we got home to find a bag of rice that looked like it had been attacked by a werewolf. It’s flavored rice, but still—now that also had to go into a sealed container.

Yesterday we arrived home to find Bae has learned how to open Tupperware.

The results of him eating an entire container of uncooked rice should be punishment enough … but by the time it gets to that, um, end, he’ll probably have no idea why he’s having tummy troubles. I’m much more bothered by the fact that his learning curve seems to be advancing faster than ours. By this time next week he’ll wait until we leave, then walk to the store for donuts.

I wonder if he knows where I keep my credit card?

Bae fixed

Mark R Hunter

Mark R Hunter is the author of three romantic comedies: Radio Red, Storm Chaser, and its sequel, The Notorious Ian Grant, as well as a related story collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. He also wrote a young adult adventure, The No-Campfire Girls, and a humor collection, Slightly Off the Mark. In addition, he collaborated with his wife, Emily, on the history books Images of America: Albion and Noble County, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department, and Hoosier Hysterical. Mark’s work also appeared in the anthologies My Funny Valentine and Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology. For two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically. Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

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9 Responses to Rice Dogs Finish Last

  1. Bill Spencer
    August 24, 2016 at 9:28 am

    Bae is just going with the grain.

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    August 20, 2016 at 5:15 am

    Bae is one step away from throwing a Tuppaware party.

    • August 21, 2016 at 2:54 am

      He’d flash those puppy dog eyes and sell out within minutes.

  3. August 19, 2016 at 8:11 pm

    Bae seems to smart to go to the store…I’d check my Amazon account for 1-click orders, if I were you!

    • August 19, 2016 at 8:12 pm

      Oops Bae is even smarter than me, I meant too smart!!!!

      • August 21, 2016 at 2:55 am

        Not to worry, he keeps mixing up his “its” and “it’s”!

    • August 21, 2016 at 2:55 am

      Hm … I did just get a delivery of a book called “How to train your human” …

  4. August 19, 2016 at 8:17 am

    Hope everything came out okay.

    • August 21, 2016 at 2:56 am

      Yes … but unfortunately a severe storm came through while all the humans were gone, and he got the evidence scared out of him prematurely … on the living room carpet.



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