My stages of drunk: 1) I don’t feel buzzed. 2) I’m drunk, but I’ll pretend I’m not. 3) Fuck it. I’m wearing a kilt.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 4, 2014
Me: I DON’T HAVE A REFLECTION! I’M A VAMPIRE! Wife: That’s a window, not a mirror It’s like ruining my happiness is in her job description
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 4, 2014
My 3-year-old daughter just shouted “Son of a bitch!” in case you wondered how good of a job TV is doing at raising my kid.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 4, 2014
3-year-old: What time is it? Me: 5:00 p.m. 3: How about now? Me: 5:01 3: Is it Christmas yet? It’s going to be a long year.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 4, 2014
Boss: This is a judgement-free zone Me: So I’m free to judge you? Boss: That’s not what it means Me: I can’t hear you because you’re fat
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 4, 2014
Many times I’d prefer not seeing my reflection … especially in the morning.