My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2013
I have a lighter on me at all times. I don’t smoke. I just never know when I’ll need to commit arson.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2013
I needed a new pair of shoes and my wife was busy, so she sent me to the mall by myself. Long story short, I now have a bellybutton ring.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2013
I miss the days when “Take her breath away” wasn’t code for “She’s probably into erotic choking.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2013
Me: I want a life for Christmas.
Santa: Bro, you have a wife & 2 kids. It’s not going to happen.
Then mall security pulled me off his lap.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2013