Household Hacks for the Omni Impaired | HumorOutcasts

Household Hacks for the Omni Impaired

September 22, 2016
By

turniton

Things are not as easy as they might seem. Everything is difficult. We all have our moments. Here is a list of blindingly simple hacks to enrich our confused lives. Excelsior, friends, excelsior!

1) To get your clothes much cleaner in less time, hit the button marked START as soon as you load the machine. Not 30 minutes later.

2) Nor 3 hours later. Turn this on

3) Nor 8 hours later.                                                                 Turn the machine on.

4) Coffee makers will not work unless you add water.

5) Coffee makers will make hot water if you forget the coffee.

6) Hard boiled eggs will explode once all the water has boiled off.

7) Take out your cell phone before swimming.

8) The oven needs to be turned on to bake.

9) Turning it on also works with the dish washer, clothes washer, and the dryer.

10) Avoid milkdew, remove your clothes from the washer when they’re done.

11) And when you rewash, don’t let it sit there for a second night.

12) Pushing down the levers on the toaster helps enormously.

13) If ya toss your fitbit in there with your clothes, you get a great head start on your steps, but again, only if you turn on the machine.

14) Turn on the timer when there’s a timed-step in cooking.

15) It helps if you check the water level, too, and change it to X large instead of the X small load you did yesterday..

16) Baking chocolate marshmallows and forgetting them. Mother was not best pleased with this early foray into the culinary world.

17) Do not try to fill the dogs’ water bowl and watch TV at the same time unless you plan to mop the floor too.

18) Letting the food in the pot cool down so you can put it in the fridge and forgetting it until the next day is a bad idea.

19) Notice if you’re frying eggs using high heat.

20) Don’t defrost meat in the microwave and forget about it.

21) Put the milk back in the fridge.

22) Don’t confuse tablespoons with teaspoons when cooking.

23) Put a bucket underneath when you drain the toilet tank.

24) Check to see if the plug fell out before calling the repair man.

There, now you can do everything. Life is wonderful again.

Handyman Paul

DeLanceyPaul

 

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback or Kindle on amazon.com

Paul De Lancey

Paul De Lancey writes in multiple genres: adventure, westerns, morality, time travel, thriller, and culinary, all spiced with zaniness. He is a frequent contributor to HumorOutcasts. His novels "Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms?" "Beneficial Murders," "We’re French and You’re Not," and "The Fur West" and his cookbook Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World have won acclaim from award-winning authors. Paul is also the writer of hilarious articles and somewhat drier ones in Economics. Dr. De Lancey obtained his Doctorate in Economics from the University of Wisconsin. His thesis, “Official Reserve Management and Forecasts of Official Reserves,” disappears from bookstore shelves so quickly that most would-be purchasers can never find it in stock. Paul, known to his friends as Paul, was the proud co-host of the online literary events Bump Off Your Enemies, The Darwin Murders, and Tasteful Murders. He also co-collected, co-edited, and co-published the e-book anthologies resulting from these events. Perhaps Mr. De Lancey will someday become a literary giant without having to die for the title. The humorist is a direct descendant of the great French Emperor Napoleon. Actually, that explains a lot of things. Paul ran for President of the United States in 2012! Woo hoo! On the Bacon & Chocolate ticket. Estimates of Bacon & Chocolate’s share of the votes range from 3 to 1.5% of the total. El Candidato also lost a contentious campaign to be El Presidente of Venezuela. In late 2013, Chef Paul participated in the International Bento Competition. The great statesman is again running for president, this time under HumorOutcasts’ sponsorship. Contact Paul before he gets elected to get that ambassadorship to Tahiti you’ve always wanted. Mr. De Lancey makes his home, with his wonderful family, in Poway, California. He divides his time between being awake and asleep. His books are available at: www.lordsoffun.com and amazon.com.

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