Things that should be on Kim Kardashian’s baby registry | HumorOutcasts

Things that should be on Kim Kardashian’s baby registry

June 3, 2013
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new babyUnless you live in a cave without internet access*, and/or you do something more productive than peruse gossip magazines while waiting in line at the grocery store, you know by now that Kim Kardashian is preggers and Kayne West is the baby-daddy.

*If you live in a cave without internet access, I’m impressed you were able to log on to this site.  You’re clearly a dedicated reader, and obviously stealing internet from someone.

Recently, the tabloids and entertainment magazines have been abuzz with pictures and stories of Kim’s rapidly expanding booty and belly.

Granted, that’s been a newsworthy item for years, but now the attention on her assets is because of the pregnancy.

Author’s note:  By “newsworthy item” I mean that it isn’t at all newsworthy or relevant.

ultrasoundIn spite of all they hype, I’m not totally convinced she’s pregnant, as I haven’t seen the sonogram photo.

The Kardashian family denied my requests to view it and threatened a restraining order if I didn’t stop asking.  Pft!

Some people can be so oversensitive.  Don’t they know I’m an investigative journalist trying to get you guys the facts?  Apparently not.

Since I’m not sure if she’s pregnant or just retaining a small McDonald’s fast food chain in her intestines, I haven’t yet purchased a gift.

I know how much weight I gained when I discovered fudge dipped Oreos, and part of me thinks that may be the culprit for her as well.  We will soon find out.

Assuming she’s legitimately with child, I can only imagine the gifts she’ll receive for her “not-really-in-love-but-desperate-for-attention-child.”

White Pacifier and Baby Shower InvitationDespite my attempts to locate her registry at upscale shops like Target, I couldn’t find where the Kardashian/West love nugget was registered.

So, I decided to create a list of items I think Kimmy should put on her baby’s registry.  Here’s a few highlights.

1.  A Kris Humphries jersey

It’s best just to address the elephant in the room, or in this case, the giant douche bag who almost was this baby’s legal father.  Why not pay a little homage to him with a shout out?

2.  Ear plugs

If Baby Karwestian is going to be around Kim 24/7, he/she needs to invest in some serious ear plugs.  They will drown out her constant whining and might actually prevent the damage of the baby’s  forming brain cells.

Her voice is known to fry the brain.  It’s science.

And Karwestian is going to be a thing.  It’s the next Brangelina.  You saw it here first.

baby's feet in hands3.  Photoshop

This might not seem like a practical tool for a baby, but stay with me on this.  If Baby Karwestian has any hope of recognizing his/her mom, he/she is going to need to learn how to use Photoshop, as she is unrecognizable without it.

Perhaps Baby Karwestian needs a reverse Photoshop.

Throw that on the registry too!

4.  Thick skin

With media whores for parents, this poor child is going to be mocked more than…well…Kim Kardashian.

If there was one thing I could give Baby Karwestian, it would be thick skin.  Like, really thick skin. I’m talking at least a foot thick.

Poor baby probably feels the judgement from where he/she is chilling in the womb.  (Most likely munching on fudge dipped Oreos.)

teddy bear in carseat5.  An extra large car seat

Assuming Baby Karwestian takes after momma, a regular sized car seat for a normal sized baby-booty just isn’t going to cut the mustard (or baby formula).

Rather, a special car seat may be in order to house the ba-donkey-donk buttocks he/she will most likely be packing in that extra large diaper.

I guess that’s it for now for baby registry ideas.  I don’t want to overload you guys, as I’m sure you will be flocking out immediately to purchase these items.

That’s great, but just remember to mark the item off the registry after you purchase it.  We don’t need 10 copies of Photoshop.

Actually, those might come in handy, as there sure are a lot of Kardashians…

Lisa Newlin

Lisa is a humor writer who plays an unconvincing lawyer in year life. She prefers dogs to most people, and food over most everything. Her blog, http://lisanewlin.com will make you feel better about your own life. It will also remind you that vodka is the answer to everything. (Except if the question is “What should I throw on this fire?” Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.)

She is also a co-author of the bestselling humor books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “‘You’ve Got Lipstick On Your Teeth,’ And Other Things Only Heard From Your Friends In The Powder Room.” You should buy them immediately on Amazon.com.

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8 Responses to Things that should be on Kim Kardashian’s baby registry

  1. June 4, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    I snorted when I got to item #2 on the registry 🙂

  2. June 4, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    Thank you, Donna! I’m so excited to be on board. I just hope I can live up to the quality (and hilarity) of the other writers.

    I will give it my best shot!

  3. June 3, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    Too important, count me in!

    • June 4, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      Let’s go in halfsies on the car seat. We can each take a cheek. Figuratively, of course.

  4. Bill Y Ledden
    June 3, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    I used to be happy but now I know what a Kardashian is and I can’t say I like it! Welcome on board. Don Don’s will look after you.

    • June 4, 2013 at 9:05 pm

      Look at it this way; knowing about the Kardashians gives you great blog fodder!

      Thanks for looking out for me. I will leave my bribery payment in our usual spot.

  5. June 3, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Welcome aboard and I love your post especially the baby car seat for the more endowed booty. Never would have thought of that!

    • June 4, 2013 at 9:07 pm

      Thank you, Donna! I’m so excited to be on board. I just hope I can live up to the quality (and hilarity) of the other writers.

      I will give it my best shot!



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