I can hardly wait until the iPhone 5 comes out as that will make a total of 5 iPhones I never bought.
Male plants release pollen into the air to reproduce. Ragweed pollen travels for hundreds of miles. Ragweed must play for the NBA.
I have new neighbors. They’ve already knocked on my door to introduce themselves. Now I have to move.
My mother gave me her wedding gown for when I get married. Unfortunately I don’t look good in maternity clothes.
Reading an old journal of mine I found this: “D.A. passed out with his dick in a jar of Vaseline.” Hard to believe I didn’t marry him.
Guys, if you meet a woman who insists on always matching her bra & her panties, run for your life. That is one high maintenance shopaholic.
COOKING TIP: If you put unfrozen Tilapia filets on your front seat when it’s 179 degrees out. they will be ready to eat when you get home!
The perfect solution to people who tailgate you on the road is to put a giant fart machine on the rear fender of all cars.
My mother is arriving from Paris in a few weeks and I’ll face the same questions Americans ask me when they first find out I have a French mother. Here are my answers: 1. The […]
I just reread some of my older tweets. And I was soooo close to ending therapy.