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A Tale of Two Weddings

September 7, 2011
By
A Tale of Two Weddings

A newlywed couple in central Pennsylvania was arrested for shoplifting more than $1,000 worth of “finger food” from a Wegman’s Supermarket. Apparently, the food was for their wedding reception.  Hell, I am not judging these…

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My Daily Prayer

September 6, 2011
By

Dear God, Grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change with ritual murder and sacrifices to the devil. Amen.

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How Not To Play Twister

September 6, 2011
By

Trust me, don’t play Twister with someone who has a prosthetic leg, you’ll never win.

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My Dad always said Big Girls need Lovin’ Too, But this is Ridiculous!

September 6, 2011
By

This has been an interesting week at the trailer park. We had a couple of very large women move in three trailers down from us. The bigger of the two weighs about 300 and has…

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What to Name a Baby? How About Toilet?

September 5, 2011
By

I’ve always been fascinated with names – why parents choose the names they choose, why people change the names their parents choose for them, and why anybody would give their babies names that are –…

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Dining at an Indian Restaurant

September 4, 2011
By

There’s no point in wearing cologne for dining at an Indian restaurant, not even on a first date.

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Corvettes and men

September 4, 2011
By

Corvettes should be sold with an unlimited supply of penis enlargement pills.

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Here Comes the Turk – The Grim Reaper of the NFL

September 3, 2011
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Here Comes the Turk – The Grim Reaper of the NFL

The Turk is Coming! The Turk is Coming! Yes, the grim reaper of football is scheduled to make his appearance.  Today is Cut Down Day in the NFL.  I understand that it is an emotional…

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Reason #312 that Rick Perry Is An Idiot

September 2, 2011
By

He thinks that an 8 year old boy is smart enough to know whether evolution is occurring, but he doesn’t think an adult woman knows that she has gone somewhere to get an abortion.

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Would a “Bone-eating Snot-flower” worm make a good pet?

September 2, 2011
By

Now before you say anything, I know what you are thinking,  “He made up that name. There is no such animal. I mean, how can an animal even have “flower” in its name?” OK. Let me…

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The Rule against Excessive Celebration is Excessive

September 2, 2011
By
The Rule against Excessive Celebration is Excessive

Will someone explain to me the logic behind the Excessive Celebration rule in football? Isn’t the whole idea of this sport to win and celebrate the victory?  Oh, I know that right now there is…

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Marion Barry

September 1, 2011
By

When he heard about the crack in the Washington Monument, former mayor of DC, Marion Barry showed up with a glass pipe and a lighter.

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I Confess: I’m Not Hip Anymore

September 1, 2011
By
I Confess: I’m Not Hip Anymore

After 200 hours of watching coverage of Hurricane Irene, I decided I needed a break from water, wind and Anderson Cooper. By the way,  I was a little disappointed he wasn’t in his signature hurricane…

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The difference between Brits and Yanks

September 1, 2011
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1) You say tomato 2) We say tomato 3) We clap politely and might, if extremely excited, mutter ‘Bravo!’ 4) You whoop and holler and let loose with your Smith and Wesson six shooters 5)…

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Yes, Miami, There is a Michael Westen

August 31, 2011
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When you’re a petty criminal, sometimes an intel gathering operation doesn’t go as planned. Getting arrested in the Best Buy parking lot with a trunk full of NIC cards and processors isn’t the end of…

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Your Select Comfort Bed

August 31, 2011
By

If you dial a Select Comfort mattress to 666, it turns into your deathbed.

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Everything

August 31, 2011
By

The perfect gift for someone who has everything is a garbage bag.

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Who Should Never Run a Corporation

August 31, 2011
By
Who Should Never Run a Corporation

It has come to my attention that corporate bigwigs are ruining our country. I know you are shocked; this was a surprise to me too.  I just always assumed that CEOs of major corporations were…

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Rush Limbaugh,Hurricane Irene and the Leftist Agenda

August 31, 2011
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Just when you think this man can’t say anything more stupid: Rush Limbaugh said President Obama wanted Hurricane Irene to be a disaster so that he could push the leftist agenda. He said the media…

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How Can Soap Get Germs and Other Life Mysteries

August 31, 2011
By

I see all these advertisements for the latest craze in our zeal to keep germs away from us — the personal automatic soap dispenser.  Not that these are new because I’ve seen them for years…

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The Z Family

August 29, 2011
By

To one up Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Beyonce and Jay-Z just announced the release of their unborn baby’s first album.

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