What Would Jesus Say?
My kids were fighting in the back seat the other day. Fighting over an android tablet. So I asked… What would Jesus do? What would Jesus say? I thought about it for a while and […]
Author: Eric Hetvile
Wanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.
Local Teen Boy Comes Out As Heterosexual To Female Classmates
Local boy Percy Flinghorn courageously came out as heterosexual to the female members of his high school shortly after arriving at last night’s school dance. He asked the DJ for the microphone, wiped the gallon […]
Jesus Tired of Our Crap, Cancels Second Coming, Would Not Sacrifice Again
Jesus announced yesterday that he’s had enough. He is tired of earth’s crap and he’s canceled his second coming indefinitely. “Look, I had a bad feeling about this way back when I agreed to be […]
Pat Robertson Blasts Gays For Rampant Extramarital Sex
On The 700 Club yesterday, television evangelist Pat Robertson blasted homosexuals, complaining that they engage in rampant premarital and extramarital sexual acts. He pointed to some damning statistics gathered by his research department that clearly […]
Jesus Horrified to Learn that He Received Lord & Savior Job Due To Nepotism
Recently, Jesus sat down for a heartfelt talk with Katie Couric where he spoke candidly on a broad range of topics, including politics, literature, music, and the environment. The most startling exchange, though, occurred when […]
Westboro Baptist Welcomes New Neighbor, Hopes To Enlist Him in War Against The Sodomites
Westboro Baptist Church has welcomed a new neighbor to their street in Topeka, Kansas. A spokesman for the church said that a fruit basket was left on the porch, but they have not yet met […]
Pope Francis To Allow Altar Girls, Because Raping Boys Is “Kinda Gay”
Newly elected Pope Francis has revealed that the church intends to allow and even promote the use of altar girls throughout the world, because he has been told that there may have been some child […]
Gay Marriage Proponents Fret Justice Scalia’s Freakishly Good Health
As the U.S. Supreme Court begins to hear arguments from the partisans arguing over the constitutionality of a ban on same-sex marriage, gay marriage proponents sadly ponder Judge Antonin Scalia’s freakishly good health. Scalia has […]
The “Passion Of The Christ” Was Really Needlepoint
Recent translations of the New Testament have corrected some long held misconceptions of the Passion of the Christ. Christ’s passion was actually needlepoint. Oh yeah, he liked healing people and saying wise stuff, but there’s […]
All Things Considered, Most Israelis Prefer Hawaii Over Holy Land
Polls conducted by an Israeli research company overwhelmingly show that almost 90% of current Israeli citizens would have preferred Hawaii over their current homeland if they were able to go back in time and choose […]