This week in the news, sources report the new Commander in Chief has a somewhat low tolerance for things that don’t go his way and a juvenile level of self paranoia. He blames everyone for everything that goes wrong – period. Last week he blamed Hillary Clinton for taking the last of the poppy seed bagels from his favorite bagel shop, forcing him to choose a whole grain bagel. This week he blames President Obama for wire tapping his Xbox something or other.
I, for one, am fed up with this infernal POTUS blame game and decided to launch my own clandestine investigation. Here are a few tirades I’ve received from a blabber-mouth White House informant with the initials Stephen K Bannon:
- Missing Ice Cream Sprinkles – “All the red, white and blue sprinkles are gone! I’ve got nothing but rainbow sprinkles for my vanilla softy cone!” He suspects Joe Biden had something to do with this.
- Gum Stuck to his Left Shoe – “The damn crap won’t come off! Trust me I tried everything. Not even Kellyanne Conway’s razor sharp tongue could scrap it off.” He believes Bernie Sanders and Chuck Schumer had it strategically placed outside his White House walkway. Security is still reviewing video from walkway cameras.
- Crank Calls to the Oval Office – “I know its Elizabeth Warren and Tim Kaine. They ask for orange. I say orange who, [giggling] then they say orange you pissed we didn’t vote for you, and hang up!” White House Security also suspects Pee Wee Herman and Bart Simpson. This is an ongoing investigation
- Gherkins pickles missing from Mar-a-Lago Salad Bar – “Let me just say that I love small pickles, small pickles are terrific, simply the best. Putin, who I’ve never has any conversations with, also love small pickles or so I’ve heard from Jeff Sessions. When they’re missing, I go crazy! I will find out who’s responsible for this travesty and write an Executive Order regarding this Gherkin Fiasco! It was overheard he blames CNN, The New York Times and the Washington Post for their misrepresentation of the Missing Pickle Debacle posting the headline, Weenie Whines About His Tiny Pickle.
Tomorrow: Is Mitch McConnell cloned from the Quaker Oats Guy and what’s Putin’s Involvement?
That’s it for today’s White House news . . . Back to you Tom.