Unicorn Bites #534
4 y.o: Why do the Ninja Turtles have a fat head like you? Me: I don’t have a fat head. 4: Me: 4: Why don’t you know you have a fat head? — Exploding Unicorn […]
Author: James Breakwell
I'm a multi-published humorist featured in "Reader's Digest." Read my articles at http://explodingunicorn.com. Check out my webcomic at http://JamesBreakwell.com.
Unicorn Bites #533
4-year-old: What’s Monopoly? Me: It’s a board game adults play when they don’t want to be friends anymore. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 18, 2014 4-year-old: Which rainbows have black? Me: None of them. 4: I think some […]
Unicorn Bites #532
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly. 4-year-old: That’s it? Me: What did you want it to be? 4: A dragon. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 18, 2014 *doesn’t let daughters […]
Unicorn Bites #531
Boss: Why is your 5-year plan just a blank page with “wing it” written in purple crayon? Me: I couldn’t find my red one. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 16, 2014 I believe in giving […]
Unicorn Bites #530
Me: What do bunnies eat? 4-year-old: Grass. Me: What do lions eat? 4: Meat. Me: What do eagles eat? 4: Freedom. Damn right. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 15, 2014 4-year-old: Why aren’t we driving? […]
Unicorn Bites #529
Me: *unloads the groceries* 4-year-old: You forgot to buy cookies. Me: I didn’t want to buy cookies. 4: Now she knows monsters are real. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 14, 2014 Me: Every single one […]
Unicorn Bites #528
Me: I could survive alone in the woods. Wife: You left a picnic early because you forgot your ChapStick. I’m not an animal. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2014 4-year-old: Does this movie have […]
Unicorn Bites #527
2-year-old:*wakes me up* What’s that sound? Me: What sound? 2: A taco Me: 2 Me:*grabs baseball bat* There’s a fucking taco in my house — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2014 [at church] 4-year-old: This […]
Unicorn Bites #526
Me: *sits up in bed* Who makes the ribbon for the ribbon cutting ceremony at a new ribbon factory? Wife: Sleep on the couch. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2014 4-year-old: Another girl at […]
Unicorn Bites #525
Me: What did I tell you about being bad?! 4-year-old: Don’t leave any witnesses. I guess she does listen. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 10, 2014 Coworker: I don’t like chocolate or bacon. Me: Interesting. […]