Unicorn Bites 4/20/14
3-year-old: Can we do this? Me: What did Mommy say? 3: No Me: Then why would I say yes? 3: Because she’s not the boss of you Checkmate. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014 […]
Tag: funny
Friends Today
Jill Y and I were talking. For those not familiar with this concept, it involves having a conversation with someone without text or email. I realize that this might sound radical but it is possible […]
Unicorn Bites 4/19/14
Me: I won the donut-eating contest Boss: It wasn’t a contest. It was just a box of donuts. For everyone. And you ate them all Me: Loser — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014 Wife: […]
I don’t have money, a personality or a future with money or a personality.
It’s hard to know why a woman would want to spend time with me. I don’t have money, a personality or a future with money or a personality. As a ruler of 14 Eastern European […]
Unicorn Bites 4/18/14
Boss: What are you doing? Me: Sitting on a potato. Him: Me: Him: Me: Him: It won’t hatch into vodka. Me: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2014 Wife: Put away […]
Unicorn Bites 4/17/14
3-year-old daughter: Mommy, you’re smart. And pretty. And funny. Me: What about me? 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: You have a beard. I’ll take it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2014 3-year-old: Can I […]
Unicorn Bites 4/16/14
When a woman says, “I hope we can still be friends,” what she means is “If I see you on the sidewalk, I’ll hit you with my car.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2014 […]
Peter tells it like it is.
I refer to my younger brother as “he who is not as massively confused as I am”. This is because he is not as massively confused as I am. I refer to my younger sister […]
Crazy Billy: The Shrink Who’s Shrinking Prices
Come on down, I’m Crazy Billy, the shrink who’s shrinking prices. I treat psychotics, neurotics, schizophrenics, ADD, OCD, manic depressives, kleptomaniacs, pyromainacs, nymphomaniacs, and especially psycho-sexual disorders, all for one low low price: $19.99. And […]