Unicorn Bites 12/11/13
Me: Don’t say "fart." 3-year-old: Is it a bad word? Me: You’re fucking right it is. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2013 Surgeons can now replace damaged human heart values with pig […]
Tag: toddler
Unicorn Bites 12/10/13
Judge: Did you kill this man? Me: He said "j/k." Judge: That’s no excuse. Me: He actually said "slash." Judge: Not guilty. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2013 Sorry, bro, but this […]
Unicorn Bites 12/9/13
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2013 I […]
Unicorn Bites 12/2/13
Of course it’s fine you got me Mega Blocks instead of Legos, Grandma. Like you said, they’re “the same thing.” *burns down her house* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2013 3-year-old: Daddy, […]
Unicorn Bites 10/9/13
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October […]
Unicorn Bites 10/8/13
Me: “Don’t pick that scab. It'll scar, & scars never go away.” My 3-year-old: “Sometimes they do. Simba knocked Scar off a cliff.” Touché. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2013 I could […]
Unicorn Bites 10/6/13
Attractive people are seldom funny because life has been too easy for them. On an unrelated note, you’re hilarious. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2013 My wife pulled out a “Cosmo” survey […]
Unicorn Bites 9/23/13
Friend: “I got a promotion & I’m having a baby” Me:“I put a bottle opener on my keychain. I guess there’s a lot going on in both our lives” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) […]